There's been a lot of pontification about the Olympics in London lately. Oh, I'm sorry, haven't you heard? The Olympics are taking place in London next year, and there's been a large outcry over the semi-bullshit methods of ticket distribution (Men's Basketball tickets FTW). I feel this has been distracting from the bigger issue, the one that's secretly weighing on a city's (and a nations's) mind - how stupid the Olympic ceremony will be.
I just have this horrible feeling that it's going to be some stupid attempt at being 'representative', 'artistic' and all those other superfluous buzzwords that ruin it for everyone. Basically, it's going to be a misguided attempt at being a 'worthy' spectacle, which is exactly what happened with the Millennium Dome saga. Look, we all saw the Beijing Olympic ceremonies, and they were pretty damn spectacular:
Why would we even try to compete with that? There's no way it turns out as impressive. No way in hell. For a start, the reasons to be skeptical made themselves known at the very end of the Beijing Closing Ceremony, when London made a little cameo. You may remember that we got this:
Leona Lewis out of the top of a collapsible double-deck bus. Wonderful. How representative. How tasteful. How awe-inspiring. No doubt the Chinese felt shown up on their own doorstep by this display of Britishness. Or not.
Look, we can't match the manpower or dedication of the Chinese, so why even bother trying? It's just going to look like a low-rent version of what's gone before, and that doesn't do anyone's image any good. I bet Danny Boyle, the Creative Director for the Opening Ceremony, knows this.
What we need is a different approach.
Now after the Closing Ceremony in 2008, my Dad actually had quite a good idea, inspired by Lewis' little-known backing guitarist that day, one Mr Jimmy Page: what if the Opening Ceremony was a Led Zeppelin reunion concert? You have to admit, that would be showing the world: look, we've provided the planet with a disproportionate number of the most kickass rock bands in history. Bow down before us! Alas, I don't think the Zep would be up for it, and we'd have to either blow a large portion of the budget on resurrection technology or find a replacement for John Bonham (no, his son is not acceptable. This is the Olympics, damnit!) . However, this idea did get me thinking about what could work, and eventually led me to a solution which is 100% foolproof:
THE 2012 LONDON OLYMPICS OPENING CEREMONY SHOULD BE A MASSIVE GRIME CONCERT
Think about it. Where's the birthplace of Grime? Bow. Where's the Olympic Stadium, venue for the Opening Ceremony? Stratford. How far is it from Bow to Stratford?
There are more than enough artists who came out of the Grime movement who have gained mainstream popularity these days, so what better way to celebrate the cultural impact of east London in a modern context? This is something that no other place on Earth would be able to pull off properly, and it would be an entertaining spectacle for everyone involved. There's definitely a deep enough pool of talent from which we can find artists to perform, and we can give them the biggest stage possible on which to entertain the masses. It would also provide a different tone to the usual 'welcome the world' BS that every other Games seems to go for and would instantly provide a memorable hook for London 2012. But mainly, it would be pretty cool.
So if we're in agreement that a Grime concert is definitely the best thing to do for the Opening Ceremony (and we are) then who should we book? Guess what, I have a few suggestions...
Wiley (& Roll Deep)
C'mon, man. How could we do this without the Godfather of Grime? He's even got an album out this week, showing he can still bring it. He can even bring Roll Deep with him if he wants. Give the man carte blanche. Although they're not allowed to perform either 'Real Good Time' or 'Green Light' since we don't want to lower the tone too much. I would hope that Wiley finds a way of reworking 'Bow E3' with a more Olympian theme. Admittedly, I'd guess 'Stratford E15' wouldn't flow as well...
Dizzee Rascal
Another obvious one, especially as he's the biggest thing Grime's ever produced. We would just quietly ask him to mostly play stuff off Boy In Da Corner, when it was actually still Grime he was doing and not disco sampling. Maybe a little bit off Showtime as well. Fine, we'll throw him a bone and let him pick a newer song as well. Just one, though.
Newham Generals
Because the ceremony is actually on their patch, and they probably won't appreciate these Tower Hamlets interlopers stealing their thunder. It's probably a good idea to appease them by letting them bust out a few tunes, and showcase that finest Newham hospitality.
God's Gift
He can guest on other people's tracks if he wants, or he can blurt out his own mini-set. I don't care, I'd love to see the audience shit their pants at his furious delivery style. He's just what we need to stop the crowd getting complacent. At the very least, he's been on enough of everybody else's tracks that he can just drop in for a quick cameo.
Virus Syndicate
Because there has to be a concession to the notion that this isn't just London's games, it's Britain's games, we probably need a non-London act on the stage. Let Manchester's Virus Syndicate join the party. In fact, I would have them accompanying the Olympic Torch as it enters the Stadium with a rendition of 'Slow Down', just because there aren't enough posses in the Torch Procession. It's a tradition we need to kick-start. What, you wouldn't want to see Sir Steve Redgrave accompanied by a Grime crew as the torch makes its way in?
Tinchy Stryder & pals
Okay, Tinchy left Grime behind as soon as he hit the mainstream to become probably the most successful MC in the UK right now (Dizzee excepted, maybe) but I have this minor obsession with the video for 'Game Over' (just what is Giggs on?) and having seen many versions of it with a plethora of different MCs in various live shows, it would be perfect for shoehorning in as many extra MCs as possible. Besides, Tinchy's a local boy done good - let him have his moment.
On second thoughts, isn't 'Game Over' a more logical choice for the Closing Ceremony? Hmm, I'm going to have to think about this one...
Leona Lewis
Not a Grime artist per se but we need a leftfield appearance from somebody to soften the tone, and after Beijing the world no doubt expects her. Besides, she's from the Official Olympic Host Borough of Hackney. As long as she doesn't perform songs about 10-foot tall blue people, we should be alright. Also, she will be nowhere near a collapsible Routemaster. She probably won't be near Jimmy Page, either.
So there you have it, an awesome opening ceremony to show to the world with pride. I'm sure there's some people out there with questions about this plan. I'm sure some of you wonder why we should showcase a musical genre whose cultural moment has probably passed and whose biggest stars have pretty much left it behind. I'm sure there's some of you who question the wisdom of presenting to the world on the grandest stage perhaps the most confrontational musical genre since Gangsta Rap, and wonder whether it's a good idea to put so many acts from this genre in the same place, not to mention its fans. I'm sure there are some people who wonder whether it's a wise move to open a sporting gala which is about the world coming together under the banner of sport with a display of localised braggadocio with limited mass appeal.
Whatever, man. These criticisms are rendered obsolete by the fact that this is an awesome plan and one that would produce a spectacle of a very different, but very London, kind. I'm pretty sure that deep down, Danny knows that I'm right.
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